What do you know about consent? What about choice? What about in workplaces? What about in workplaces when you are the leader? Do you allow staff/employees to practice self-determination? Do you leave room for autonomous choice? Read on to learn more about why allowing for this is important in all interpersonal interactions and relationships, and especially for trauma informed leadership.
Have you ever been sitting in a meeting and became physically uncomfortable? Like actual body discomfort or even pain? From sitting? From having to go to the bathroom but holding it? From needing a refreshment or nourishment? From something else? Yea, me too. I think we’ve all been there, at least those of us that have ever worked in an office setting. However, let me ask this: Did you feel comfortable addressing whatever your personal need was in that moment in the meeting? Or did you feel as though you needed to ask permission? Or even worse, did you either do what you needed or ask for what you needed and was penalized or told ‘no’? Well, if this is you, then unfortunately you were (or are) working in a place that does not value consent and choice…autonomous consent and choice. And this is a problem, at least from where I sit.
What is Consent?
So, let’s get down to brass tacks. What is consent? Consent means freely agreeing to go along with someone else’s proposal, plan, or desire. We can offer consent in different ways, not all of them verbal.
The 4 Kinds of Consent
In doing a little research I landed on four main kinds of consent we can give.
I have found four different kinds of consent: verbal, implied, non-verbal, and written. Verbal consent can range from a simple “yes” to enthusiastic agreement, you should look for an enthusiastic agreement for real consent. Implied consent is a legal term. It describes situations where our actions clearly show we’re willing to do something. Non-verbal consent can include body language, facial expressions, and gestures we use to clearly communicate we’re comfortable with what’s going on. Examples include nodding your head or giving a thumbs-up. Written consent such as signing a contract or agreement—is often used in legal or official settings where documentation is needed. I have written (and informed) consent documents that are required to be signed before psychotherapy treatment can begin. Why? So, the client/patient/person understands fully what they agree to when entering into psychotherapy treatment with me as the provider. This includes late cancellation and no-show policies and fees, as well as privacy rights, and explanation that the therapy process is not always comfortable.
Barriers to Getting Proper Consent
What gets in the way of talking about consent?
Asking for and getting consent creates a safe space for everybody to choose freely. And when you practice asking for, obtaining, and giving consent in everyday life, it becomes easier to build healthy relationships based on mutual respect, trust, & understanding. And we need these things—mutual respect, trust, and understanding—to feel safe. Safety should be imperative in every relationship, in every interpersonal interaction. If you value people, you value safety. And if you value safety, well you’re on your way to being trauma-informed.
What gets in the way of getting proper consent? Well, fear first of all. I think fear drives a lot of behaviors for a lot of people. And fear almost certainly plays a big part in anyone who has experienced trauma. But besides that, I think communication and comfort—or discomfort rather—get in the way of seeking and giving proper consent. People have got to learn to talk to each other, to share things, like, their preferences, desires, limits, boundaries, capacity. Yea, folks, I get it. This is not super comfortable stuff, especially if you learned somewhere along the way that sharing your inner truths and/or setting limits is not okay. I mean, that’s what I learned. Both as a person in my family system and as a woman in the west, I was taught implicitly and explicitly that considering, and voicing, my desires isn’t really okay. I was never taught about sexual safety and consent. I was never taught about safety, feelings of safeness, and how that looks and feels for me. So, yea, I ended up in many situations where I was unsafe, violated, and taken advantage of…and many I felt were just required of me. If you feel obligated, it is not choice. If you feel required to do so something, it is not free and clear consent.
Consent + Desire + Responsibility
What if you don't have desire to address necessary responsibilities or tasks?
Now you may not feel like doing something required of you, like at work for instance, or other ‘adulting’ tasks, but you do them because there are consequences to not doing them. In ways, this is a choice. You could accept the consequences of not grocery shopping, getting take out, and running up debt (potentially). Or you could do the ‘required adulting thing’ which is go to the grocery store, make meals at home, save more money. These are choices, folks. Same at work. You are required to interface with customers, but you don’t want to or feel like it (that day, that month, that year). However, you did agree to the terms and conditions and requirements of your employment when you accepted the job. So, just because you don’t feel like doing part of your job today, does not mean your employer is encroaching on your consent and choice. Because you already chose this job and knew that part of the tasks is interfacing with customers. You choosing to accept employment there is consenting to the duties and responsibilities of the job. Unless, safety is an issue.
Consent and Safety
No enthusiastic consent? Then no safety.
Hear me out. If you accepted a job, and were told it would be A-B-C tasks and responsibilities and at some point after you start, the employer says “actually you’ll be doing this instead” well that is not what you consented to when you accepted the job. Why? Because you were lacking necessary information to make an informed decision. One party omitting information to get you to agree is using coercion and manipulation, and when these are used, consent is not real, and cannot be freely given. Or, another work scenario: you are doing the usual and customary roles and tasks of your position then a supervisor asks you to do something that feels 1) unethical or 2) unsafe (physically, psychologically, emotionally). Maybe usually this is a part of your job (if you saw episode #4 of The Healing Hour, I discussed a work scenario where I was asked to do a home visit—customary part of my job. However, in this instance, it felt unsafe for me to conduct this home visit, so I did not consent to do so, at least not without another person present for increased safety). Yes, you can do this. Yes, you can refuse to do something at work that feels unsafe for you. No, it should not result in retaliation or punishment. Yes, it does result in retaliation and punishment sometimes (which is wrong in my book). However, you CAN STILL assert yourself, set a boundary, and refuse to consent to something—even at work—if it doesn’t feel okay for you. And especially if it feels unsafe. This should be the standard. Blows my ever-loving mind that this is not yet the standard in workplaces.
Consent in sexual situations? Umm…absolutely! Dear God! Why this has to be discussed still is also crazy sauce to me! People! If it is not an enthusiastic yes, then we ALL need to pause. Maybe we need more information to be comfortable saying yes. Maybe we need more time to be comfortable saying yes. Maybe we need to create more safety to feel comfortable saying yes. Maybe we need to honor ourselves if we really do not want to say yes. Maybe little boys (and girls) need to be taught to ask for permission before touching friends. Normalizing things like asking friends or family for hugs or kisses. Definitely not forcing kids to hug or kiss relatives or friends if they don’t want to. It can all start with early social-emotional learning. I am nearly 40 years old and no one has ever told me it’s okay to ask someone to ask ME for permission to touch me. YES! WHAT? WTF! It’s crazy to me too! And I think many, many women receive this same message. And we are also taught, implicitly and explicitly, that they way we talk, dress, move, be in the world contributes to being violated. What in the actual F?! Why? How? Really? Who started this message? Because I would love to throat punch them right now. Women, men, people of all kinds should be able to dress, walk, talk, dance, whatever, be themselves without being subjected to inappropriate behavior or touch. The entitlement that exudes in poor reactions and lack of accountability when people are ‘caught’ doing this is insane. THIS CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT EVER BE NORMALIZED. It is not okay to touch someone in any way if they did not agree to it. Period.
Consent and Leadership
Choice and consent are must haves for effective leadership. Non-negotiable for trauma informed leadership.
Now, leaders, supervisors, managers, CEOs, politicians, others in positions of power, listen up. You, too, should be asking for consent with the people that work for, with or alongside of you. Expectations that people behave as puppets or robots without autonomous choice and decision making is inhumane. Yes, I said that. You cannot, or should not, force, coerce, manipulate, someone into doing something at work just because you are in charge. That is a gross misuse of power. It is taking advantage of people because you feel entitled to because of your position in power or leadership. It’s another way you are not treating people like humans, and instead treating them minions required to do your bidding, at all costs to them, at all benefit to you. No, nope, hell nah! Do leaders today feel as though they need to ask permission to give feedback, to make a request for new tasks or work, to request someone speak at a meeting? Probably not. Many I had in the past certainly didn’t do this. If you are a leader anywhere, especially in a workplace setting, it is your job to ensure to safety and wellness of the people that work for you, especially ensuring the safety and wellness of them AT WORK! If this is not important to you, I have no idea why you are leading anyone. Leaders set the tone for everyone else. If the leader values consent and choice, then others will value consent and choice. And the more consent and choice we can have going around, the better for everyone, the higher likelihood people will feel safe at work.
Consent and choice need to be non-negotiables. Pretty much in all settings with all people. And you cannot consider yourself trauma informed if you don’t value independent (and enthusiastic) consent and choice. Let’s level up the humanity in all of us by allowing people to be themselves, make their own choices, say no when it doesn’t feel good or safe for them, and accepting when we hear that from others, without judgment and retaliation.
Thank you for reading! Give it a like or a comment or share with your friends ;)
What next?
How to find more content from me & get in touch!
If you want more Tips & Thoughts from me, The Timeless Therapist, sign up for my monthly newsletter. Free. Only once a month (I promise). Includes the month's blog + other freebies and goodies. And info, events, and leadership growing opportunities.
If you'd rather watch, instead of read, Tips & Thoughts from me, check out my weekly podcast show The Healing Hour. Streaming LIVE on YouTube, LinkedIn, and Facebook through Circle Back to You Podcast network. You can always catch it LIVE and on replay here.
If you want to join a practice community of dedicated Trauma Informed Professionals, check out the community of folks at Integrate Trauma Informed Network. This is where my mentors are, this is where I grow and practice my trauma informed care and leadership skills.
If you want to join a community dedicated to mental health advocacy, healing, and ending the loneliness epidemic, check out Circle of Friends Club, where I am the Chief Mental Health Officer. I ensure the mental health and wellness of our executive team and members remains in the foreground. I also facilitate Mental Health Provider support and consultation groups, as well as, support groups for those struggling with their mental health.
Check out my social links below, follow if you please!
And here's my website: www.sarahobrienlcsw.com
Comments